No James Cameron - No

Okay seriously - do we really need to have Avatar re-released with additional footage in theatres? No. Why not just re-release Pocahontas in Imax with a blue filter? Okay fine I promise not go to on this time.

Anyway - Cameron thinks it'll be good ol fun (read: I NEEDS MOAR MONEY) to re-release Avatar with cutting-room floor footage because the original 162-minute original release just wasn't long enough.

"James Cameron and Fox are in discussions about re-releasing "Avatar," primarily in 3D theaters, in late summer -- and, tantalizingly, with additional scenes that had been left on the cutting-room floor in the rush to ready the epic for its Dec. 18 release. "

Okay, so what is really gonna be there to see except for the sex scene that has you all a flutter? You know who you are. Dirty birds. Let me just say - if we have learned anything from "extras" on the DVD: deleted scenes were deleted for a REASON. Cause they suck. Please stop giving this man money. In fact just go see Hurt Locker and create some sort of new culture based on that so that we're really sticking it to him. Cause lets face it, this shit needs to stop.

Valentine's Day Review

So Jenn and I haven't hung out in a bit and I was all like - lets go see Wolfman, and she was all like - pass...I really want to see Valentines Day.

Well that pretty much made me throw up in my mouth a little bit. The thought of chick flicks make me nauseaus. The thought of seeing chick flicks in the theater on or around Valentines Day makes makes me think that I'd rather contract herpes. That being said I WILL go see SATC2. I'm a complete hypocrite.

This whole review will spoil the movie cause that's how I roll. Avert your eyes now if you plan on seeing this at all cause I'm about to rip the shit out of it LOL.

So Valentines Day - if you didnt see the random star studded posters on the subway you probably didn't even know this movie existed. But oh yes it does. It reminds me very much of that other "way too many movie stars in it" movie - He's Just Not That Into You.  Here is most of the cast:

Jessica Alba - Please stop being a blonde. It doesnt work sweetie. Who is your stylist? Cause they hate you.
Jessica Biel - When the hell did she lose 90lbs? Give this girl a sandwich!
Bradley Cooper - Jenn thinks hes hot. What the hell else was he in?
Eric Dane - I dont know who this person even is. I think Jenn said: He was in Open Water 2. Like I watched that.
Patric Dempsey - Wasn't this guy on ER? I did like him in Enchanted.
Jamie Foxx - OH GOD I hate this guy...He just rubs me the wrong way.
Jennifer Gardner - They're rebooting Electra. How do you feel about that? Fail.
Topher Grace - I miss That 70s Show
Anne Hathaway - Girl has one big mouth. I wonder if her and Julia Roberts got together to compete to see who could stuff more in their trap.
Ashton Kutcher - Someone remind me why this guy is married to a grandma again?
Queen Latifa - She's so awesome.
Julia Roberts - see Anne Hathaway comment.
Taylor Lautner - GO BACK TO TWILIGHT
Taylor Swift - zomg. This girl I'll discuss later. She gets her own discussion point.
Emma Roberts - Me: Oh, that girl was Emma Roberts. Jenn: I didn't even recognize her. The last time I saw her was in Dog Hotel. Me: Yea I know I couldn't tell it was her eithe...wait..did you just say you watched DOG HOTEL!?

Okay so I have 3 discussion points: 1) the Good 2) the Bad 3) the motherfucking Ugly

1) The Good
As much as I would LOVE to say otherwise, there were some good points to this movie. #1 being Queen Latifa, #2 being Anne Hathaway and #3 being Ashton Kutcher.

Queen Latifa wasn't in it for very long - then again when 20 Hollywood actors are vying for screen time what do you expect. But she managed to have the hands down best line of the movie. It was so good that I cant remember it and its not available in IMDB memorable quotes but it was funny. Trust me. I got nothin.

Anne Hathaway plays this girl 2 weeks into a relationship with Topher Grace. I used to know a kid named Topher in grade school. He used to come to class wearing a full out Star Trek uniform. It had a badge beam up thingy and everything. Nerd. But I digress. I'm totally not a fan of Hathaway's "acting" but she was actually pretty decent in this movie. She did a lot of different accents playing her part as a phone sex operator, and it was actually really well done. Maybe she did some method acting for this role to really get into it.

Ashton, Ashton, Ashton. Why are you so pretty? There is just something about you...and its not your acting, no no. Perhaps its your smile. Perhaps I was waiting for you at any point in the movie to stare directly at me, break the 4th wall and say: "Niki, You Got PUNKED!!".

Alas that didn't happen. But at least in this movie he was something to ogle at. I'm not even sure why I don't lean towards any of the other guys in this "everyone is hot except for George Lopez" flick...I've even confessed that I'd make out with Lauter if you gave me the chance, but there was just something about Ashton in this movie that was just hands down yummy.



2) The Bad 

Someone tell Jessica Alba to go back to being a brunette please. Someone? Help me out here.

This movie was LONG. At 125 minutes it was about 125 minutes too long. Seriously it felt like I was sitting in the theater FOREVER. Even Jenn was like: is this movie THAT long? Yes Jenn...yes it is. It was one of those movies that just dragged on forever and I was like: I get it...love sucks, no one is happy - LET'S MOVE ON!

There were so many fails in this movie - everything from glaringly obvious continuity errors to just bad dialogue and story line.

There is one point in the movie where Jennifer Gardner's character leaves to San Francisco to surprise her boyfriend Patrick Dempsey who is supposed to be there doing heart surgery when actually he's still in LA with his wife and kid. So Jennifer gets on the plane...then we see her in the hospital Patrick is supposed to be at but he's not there. The nurse then tells her that he has an early dinner with his wife at a particular restaurant. THEN Jennifer confronts him in an extremely passive aggressive scene that could have been executed much better. What ever happened to throwing wine in a man's face? Instead she tells his wife at the table that the chef's special  is chopped testicles shoved back into the pig's anus. Whatever. My point is - SHE GOT ON A PLANE TO SAN FRANSCISCO! There is no scene where she gets off the plane, no scene that describes shes staying in LA. It takes like 6 hours to travel to San Fran! That's what like 19 hours after you go through US security? How the hell did she get back fast enough to disrupt his early dinner? BAH!

And there were some incredibly weak story lines. The worst was the one with Eric Dane who plays an over the hill NFL Quaterback who comes out of the closet. I get it. The entire movie he's like: I want a family...kids...maybe football isn't for me. Then in a press conference hes like: I'd like to announce...I'm gay. (oooooh!) Jaime Foxx: So, does that mean you're retiring from football? Eric: No. I'm Gay and I'll play.

There's that bad dialogue. And this is ALL set up just so they can get the money shot - who is Eric Dane gay for? Thats right: Bradley Cooper. There I ruined it for you.

Seriously everyone in the audience of the theater was like: SQUEEEEE!! HE'S GAY!?  I was like: AHA! HE'S GAY!!!

So...this pretty much had nothing to do with the rest of the movie. The whole story line was just so the writers could be like: you know what'll make the girls in the audience scream? Make the two hottest guys GAY! And it worked. You win this time Hollywood. This time.

3) the motherfucking Ugly

 All that needs to be said is Taylor Swift.


That's it. She was SO FUCKING BAD. Please God, please hear me when I say never let Taylor Swift act again. Ever. I think its best. How about instead of letting her act again you just give her like 5 more Grammy's and she'll realize that that is where her talents lie. Her lines consisted of: to Lautner "That's OK baby, you're still hot." and to Gardner "So I was like, talking to my boyfriend this morning and the doorbell rang and I like totally thought it was my boyfriend but then I like opened the door and there was like *snort* this totally huge bear, yea! Like a huge bear and he wasn't there *snort*."

Everything about her in this movie was just ridiculously awful. Please...don't be like Madonna, Beyonce and Mariah Carey. Cut your losses now while no one cares and before you make a complete fool of yourself.

Overall this movie was sadly watchable, mostly because a lot of the really bad scenes were inter-cut with the amusing scenes. But FML if Jenn puts me through another movie like this again.

True friendship everyone is when you go to see a movie like Valentines Day with your friend...when you'd much rather be gouging your eyes out with a lead pencil.

Dear Sweet Stan Lee (Jesus)

A coworker passed me this little BOMBSHELL of a headline today: Disney to Acquire Marvel Entertainment.

Why!? WHY!!?? Why is this happening lord? Since when do we mix our beloved marvel elite with the likes of Cruella de Vil and Pocahontas?

Be prepared to go from this:















To this:




Okay so this image alone is better than Wolverine: Origins (yes, I said it, that movie was redicu-awful), but can you imagine a Wolverine sequel where the guest cameo is Mickey in a wolvie costume? Or perhaps near the end Wolverine sits the x-kids down for a good ol' moral speech about justice and racial equality?

NO. If Wolverine isn't stabbing, smoking, drinking and grunting, then its just not a movie I want to see.


In fact, be prepared for all the marvel titles to tote a nice friendly PG rating from here on in. Or maybe they'll get crazy and do a PG-13 on us like Curse of the Black Pearl.

Disney Studios has aquired Stan Lee's brain child hoping to corner a new market:

“It helps Disney add exposure to a young male demographic it had sort of lost some balance with,” Joyce said, noting the $4-billion offer was at “full price.”

What? Disney Princesses weren't enough for you? Hell! It only took you 70 years to come out with an African American one! Disney...you're so progressive.

Here's hoping they cast Miley Cyrus as Shadowcat. OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE!

Ugh, sometimes hype makes me sick

Is anyone else really tired of hearing about James Cameron's Avatar? What's happening out in the Hollywood scene with this one is even worse than the propaganda around the last Spiderman movie. So they show a 60sec preview of this "game changing" movie and the tickets sell out in something like a 1.33 seconds, crashing the internet and people are fighting over them like mad. Its 60 seconds people! 60 seconds that are bound to be on youtube within an hour of the preview airing in theaters. Crazies. Its a fucking movie by the guy who did Titanic. TITANIC. Why did everyone love that movie but me???




So anyway, I was taking a look at Avatar, not to be confused with the only Avatar worth seeing but unfortunately being directed by M.Night Sha-shittydirector-malan, and thought it looked strangely familiar. Now I'm not naive enough to believe that anything coming out of the Hollywood machine is even remotely original anymore, but I did have some high hopes for this one. In my internet searching, turns out I was right.

Apparently Avatar looks pretty similar to some other movies out there right now. Particularly one called Delgo.

Delgo was a shitty animated film last year that completely bombed at the box office. The plot centered around a teenage alien trying to rally the troops to save the world from itself or some junk.

Anyway, take a look at these very interesting side by side comparisons:

1) Floating rocks.


Hmm...how to make a creepy sci-fi world... mist: check. rock formations: check. I think we're done guys!

Okay so I know a lot of movies has the same scenery so really my argument so far is weak. So, let me just comment on how if you think this is cool - picture it on a black t-shirt with a wolf howling in front of it being worn by a 40-something year old man who refuses to take off his leather jacket in 30degree weather. Yea. Not so cool now is it?




2) Litebrite action!

Why do so many animated sci-fi's have this very scene in it?? I swear this was also in Ferngully. Anyway, maybe these movies just aren't complete

without the scene that comes in the middle where the lead male character has a reflective moment with the lead female character where they ponder their existence and the fate of the world. So deep man. I'm already writing fan fiction about the sexual tension there. Its so uncomfortable!

Side note: Delgo - if you want your 2008 movie to do well you don't put your female lead in pink spandex, just sayin'.




3) Scary Monsters!



Oh c'mon. It's the same movie. Look at that! In fact its also the same movie as the 4th Harry Potter. Only not as cool, and with less sexy wizards. Those Weasley twins are sexy sexy bitches. But I digress.

Okay imagine these in the same colour palate. They're practically twin dragons. 5 bucks says that in each movie's next scenes the aliens try to befriend and then mount the dragons backs to ride them against the enemy.





4) I so won that bet.

Pay me my money bitches!


























5) Aww. Alien love.



I win. Avatar is Delgo.


So I pose this question - if Avatar is so extremely unoriginal, then why rip off a movie as bad as Delgo? Perhaps they thought it would be missed? But clearly it wasn't and now its just kinda pathetic.

Seriously Cameron, your follow-up to Titanic is a re-imagined Delgo? For shame.


And even if it was all coincidence, someone please tell me what is so "game" or "life" changing about this movie? I thought when I watched the trailer that I would feel the sort of shock and awe that I felt when I first saw the trailer for Final Fantasy: the Spirits Within. The kind of shock when you see ground breaking animation for the first time in large scale and just go: WOW. And I just don't feel it with this one. It was more like an: oh, alright.

You wanna get me exited? Show me something to get excited about and not the same old animation style we've been seeing ever since Weta got their hands on LOTR. Also, I'm pretty over this whole 3D phase we have going on lately with every movie that seems to be coming out. You know what we need? 4D viewing. Cameron - bring me some smell-o-vision from some exotic alien world (although I imagine that one would smell like lavender washed socks rolled in blue cheese) and maybe then I'll agree that your movie is "game changing", but until then you're just Delgo: the sequel in 3D to me.

Edit: Thanks to Kim for sending me this and proving that Hitler couldn't have been all that bad