Avatar = Ferngully + Delgo + unneccessary 3D/ Sigourney Weaver

Okay, so if you've read anything I've written previously about Avatar you would know that I wasn't especially thrilled to see the movie. In fact, I was all prepared to stream it online (like most things that I don't have complete faith in - like the Men Who Stare at Goats ... I was right about that one by the way). So, with only good intentions I loaded up Ninjavideo and snuggled up to watch Avatar only to squint at blurryness until I fell asleep.


Now, maybe it was because I was tired, or just retardely bored with the first 20 minutes of the movie (okay both) but I realized that streaming it in it's shaky-cam state probably wasn't doing the movie any justice. So, I decided to convince Ben to see it at the theatre.

Theatre fail 1: Got out of the car to witness a lineup out the door. Turned around and went home.

Theatre fail 2: Got out of the car, all the way up to the ticket taker - announcement comes on that both 10pm and 10:50pm shows are sold out...on a FUCKING WEDNESDAY night. Turned around and went home.

It was about time to give up when: enter Christmas Day. Ben and I had already done the family thing on the eve, so why not spend one of the most sacred days at the movies!? YAY!! Got in line to get tickets....got in another line for seats - and finally, my movie experience.

Let me take you through 3 major points of this movie: 1) PRETTY 2) Utter predictability 3) 3D? Seriously?

1) PRETTY
My good god was I right that this movie had to be seen in theatres. I'm all for pirating the shit out of anything I can, I believe that the movie makers make WAY too much money for usually a sub par product, but this movie just couldn't be seen on through an Avatar (2009) Proper - CAM file. I'm not on the bandwagon that says that the animation is groundbreaking, because it really isn't. The Spirits Within was a movie that was groundbreaking in it's time. Now, although the animation is probably some of the best in the business - I wouldn't call it groundbreaking. But fuck is it ever beautiful. There was a movie that I saw not too long ago that I said the same thing - you don't go to see the acting or the story or any of that crap, you just go to go "wow". And I say the same about Avatar. Everything from the neon light-up plants to the crazy alien monster animals made my eyes go a little wider. It was gorgeous. Although I must say that I got a little tired of the colour blue. Why couldn't there be a nice yellow "native" or at least make them black, cause lets face it, everything from the accents to some of the beliefs in nature pretty much made the "savages" straight out of the African mother land.

2) Utter predictability
DO NOT, I REPEAT: DO NOT GO SEE THIS MOVIE IF YOU HAVE SEEN THE FOLLOWING: Ferngully: The Last Rainforest, Delgo, Halo or any Halo related type game movie thing.

I wont even talk about Delgo because I already pointed out the blaring visual similarities here: Ugh, Sometimes Hype Makes Me Sick . I will say though that the story of Delgo and Avatar is completely different BUT that's where Ferngully takes over. Observe:





Ferngully/Avatar: Guy goes to a place (rainforest/pandora), gets transformed (shrunk/Avatar) and can now fit in with the natives (fairies/Na'vi). Rides some trippy creature (dragonfly/Toruk), falls for the hot chick (Crysta/Neytiri), switches sides cause its all about protecting something sacred (beauty of rainforest/pandora) and battles the big bad (Hexxus/Colonel Quaritch). It's seriously the same fucking story. If it wasn't for point #1 then I'd tell you to just go to Blockbuster and rent Ferngully for $2.99 to see the same fucking movie.

If you've seen Halo you've seen the other part of this movie: militarism. That's just about it. Guys running around with guns and authorities that seem like they're on some sort of heavy-duty steroid mix. And while I'm here can I just say that Sigourney Weaver's acting was atrocious? I don't even care if it has nothing to do with point 2 - I was just dying to say it. God, I thought after not acting for how many years, all that acting amazingness was to build up and overflow. Well, just not so. Just not so.

3) 3D? Seriously?
Can I just say that this movie didn't need to be in 3D at all. AT ALL. This is what 3D is to me: SHIT FLYING AT MY FACE! This is what Avatar is to me: NO SHIT FLYING AT MY FACE!

Why is everyone using this medium needlessly? Seriously, if shit isn't flying at your face, don't make it 3D. Just say no. Avatar joins the ranks of the following: Up, Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, Bolt, Superman Returns, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. All of these movies didn't need to be in 3D, and I think that Avatar would have been just as pretty without the fucking huge 3D glasses affixed to my face and making me feel kinda sick. Plus 3D for almost 3 hours is just fucking cruel. CRUEL I say. I don't even wear my own glasses that long in a day. Seriously. Unless some fucking Pandora insects are swooping around my head - leave 3D to the movies MADE for 3D. Like Shrek 4 *shudder*.


All in all I'm sad to say that I'm glad to have seen this movie. If anything it was visually stunning even if it had no actual plot twists, turns, or really anything interesting. You know what would have been better though? If Sam Worthington's character decided to fall in love with Sigourney Weaver's character instead. OR if he fell in love with the male native who hates him. I dont understand why Cameron is getting such praise for this but so be it. Oh, this movie is ALSO like Dances with Wolves. And Pocahontas. Shit I've seen this movie like 18 times already.

Vamps are so hot right now...and I'm so ahead of the times

I can't even begin to express how truly tired I am of the Twilight "phenomenon" and how vampires are the new black. Okay get ready for it, this is gonna be a long post.

Can't the internet just be happy with its new found bacon obsession and leave it at that? I think I would be far more content if only it would.

*sigh*. Anyway, perusing ComicCon 2009 was a pretty sad feat indeed. Easily 92% of the news coming out of the event had to do with Twilight, the crazy Twihards and the panel featuring Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson and that hot-but-far-too-young-for-me guy who plays Jacob, Taylor Lautner. Excuse me for a moment while I go flog myself for actually remembering all of their names.

Now before you start on me:
1) Yes, I have read Twilight. Yes, the WHOLE series
2) Yes, I have read Midnight Sun...was it less excruciating? No.
3) Yes, I have seen the movie. (I'm sorry eyes)
4) Yes, I love me some vampires

Okay now lets comment on the above points.

1) Yes, I have read Twilight. Yes, the WHOLE series. And you know what it was like for me - something akin to hell. Pure sexual frustrating hell. Actually after reading the first of the series I felt like I had to jump Ben in order to make up for all of the sex that was lacking in the book. That was a good night. It was so riddled with teen angst it made me thank the stars that I'm still not in high school. Cause think about it - doesn't the "love" and obsession in the first book really set teenagers up for a fucked up relationship? Teens and pre-teens are very impressionable. If they internalize this book they begin to search for a sort of obsessive love which really - in any other context would be taken for nothing short of abusive.

He breaks into her room and watches her while she sleeps. While. She. Sleeps.

If that isn't a creeper I just dont know what is.

Please don't get me started on the rest of the series. So predictable. And can someone use a word count on how many times SM uses the word "chagrin"? Someone get that bitch a thesaurus. The series wraps so well that how would any dedicated fan girl not cum all over the books after shes done reading? SM gives the reader everything they want with a little bow on top. Its disappointing.

Lets compare this to Harry Potter - JKR does package up the last book with a nice cater-to-the-fans epilogue. But, if you talk to any - ANY hardcore fan, they usually leave that last chapter out. Even though its essentially a happy ending - so many people die and are taken away, there is real loss and pain there (as real as it can be anyway). For those fans who have lost their favorites its a big deal - not so in the Twilight series. Look at that little boy cry. Those are REAL fan tears people!

2) Yes, I have read Midnight Sun...was it less excruciating? No. Oh. My. Fucking. God. I've never heard someone whine that much. And if they are that way, the LAST place I want to be is in their head. God, Edward is such a bitch! Where is the brooding mystery? I'm so happy that this follow up to Twilight from Edwards perspective was leaked on the net, because SM making any money from this publication would have been ludicrous. You know what's NOT a vampire trait - laying your heart on the ground and then crying about it after the fact. You know what IS a vampire trait? Mystery! Look up any clip with Angel from Buffy, or even Bill from True Blood. The mystery equals the danger, and that's what a vampire IS - sexy danger. Edward and his "control" make me sick. I never actually feel threatened when hes like "I could kill you...you should stay away from me." Yes, because your puppy dog eyes are so threatening. You know whats going to kill me? My perpetual vomit.


3) Yes, I have seen the movie. (I'm sorry eyes). Seriously I wish I just read the books and kept it at that. Because now whenever I see Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson I want to die. The one good thing about that movie - Taylor Lautner. Why he's so young just isn't fair in this world. WHY are you 17!? Dammit!






4) Yes I love me some vampires. Welcome back to 1997 - when I sat down to watch the very first episode of Buffy the Vampire slayer and was immediately hooked. Thats what you need - a strong heroine, a equally strong, mysterious, and dangerous vampire lead - and all the sexual tension you can muster. I was even a vampire fan back when Interview With the Vampire was cool and who even remembers when that was? Since my pre-teen years I've devoured as much vampire lore as I could get a hold of, and as far as Twilight in the vampire lore goes it is definately on the tame end. Its like vampires for dummies. Vamp-lite. These bitches want to KILL YOU - not make sure they're married to you before they bed you!

I think what upsets me the most is that there is actually a following large and dedicated enough to coin the term "Twihards" instead of just fans. These people set themselves apart as if the Twilight Series is a bible of sorts, like how some *cough* mega nerds *cough* have latched on to the Jedi knight faith.

Despite my general distaste for Twilight - I have to admit that I know why it's appealing. Its a pure happy ending love story. I think it would have the same effect if they put Zombies in the roles, or Carebears...only maybe Carebears would be more frightening. Honestly its just a chronicle of idealized love. Love, that if it does exist probably has a restraining order against it.