And Some People Are Just Jerks

Seriously, why do they keep letting Kanye into awards shows? Particularly the VMA's? I know that everyone and their sister on the interweb is talking about the latest Kanye West stunt at the MTV video music awards where he, in true douchebag style, interrupted Taylor Swifts female video of the year acceptance speech, to proclaim that Beyonce's video was one of the best of all time. Did you SEE Taylor Swift's face?

Usually I revel in the schadenfreude of such events, but to interrupt a 19 year old winning her first VMA, to literally grab the microphone from her for no reason to say perhaps what everyone was thinking but not willing to admit: rude.

Although I'm not a huge fan of Beyonce - I must have watched that video where she fell down the stairs laughing my ass off at least 19 times - her video for "Single Ladies" was stellar. But you know what? Not everyone can win. And not everyone cares what Kanye West has to say, especially when he can't seem to get all that sand out of his vagina.

Let's recap Kanye's award show douchebaggery to this date:


1) On November 2, 2006, when "Touch the Sky" failed to win Best Video at the MTV Europe Music Awards, West went onto the stage as the award was being presented to Justice and Simian for "We Are Your Friends" and argued that he should have won the award instead because it “cost a million dollars, Pamela Anderson was in it. I was jumping across canyons.” What? Pam Anderson was in it? Screw the Moonman - someone give him a fucking nobel prize STAT!!


2) At the 2007 Vegas VMA's toward the end of "Can't Tell Me Nothing," West lashed out at Britney Spears who opened and wondered why he wasn't approached to kick off the VMAs. "I can't believe she would perform/ She hasn't had a hit record in years,". He then referred to last year's VMA opener, Justin Timberlake, and rapped, "I gotta get my money right/ Or maybe I gotta get my skin white." *shakes head* Oh Kanye...playing the race card.


3) At the 32nd American Music Awards Upon hearing he has lost the Best New Artist award to "Redneck Woman" Gretchen Wilson, West storms out of the AMAs in a show of protest. He later tells reporters, "I felt like I was definitely robbed, and I refused to give any politically correct bullsh--ass comment ... I was the best new artist this year." He also followed this up in the 2009 GrammyAwards with Estelle before presenting the Best New Artist to Adele with saying "Its funny how neither I or Estelle won Best New Artist."


We get it Kanye, you like winning trophies. It's not enough to sell millions and millions of dollars worth of records, have that beautiful woman (????...its a woman right?) on your arm and have hundreds of thousands of aspiring rappers want to be like you, you have to humiliate a 19 year old on stage just to throw a little girl hissy fit.

What happened to the good old days where Rappers sought to get publicity through shootin' each other? Now they just throw bitch-fits on stage and pretend they're gonna retire to get someone to notice them. I bet Biggie and Tupac are rollin' around in their graves. Big L woulda just laid a cap in Taylor Swift's ass after the awards if he was really THAT upset. On that note I'm just gonna leave you with Kanye's last accomplishment. You may be able to interrupt a little white girl...but the president? Ah hellz no.

Always Talk To Strangers

Can I tell you how much I love Omegle? It's this awesome little website that allows you to talk to total strangers anywhere in the world (but mostly from the states). Some people are sports. Some just disconnect on you the minute you type "crotchmonkey" but I guess its all about personal preference. Here are some convo's I had tonight!

Stranger: ass through nuts.

You: ....

You: well thats random

Stranger: wow.

Stranger: this is awkward.

You: AHAHA

You: more for me though

Stranger: was it?

You: a little

Stranger: i felt PREEETTTY awkward.

You: its okay i thrive on awkward

Stranger: i think you're an awkward size queen.

Stranger: like

You: gasp...how did you know!?

Stranger: well.

Stranger: i can't come up w anything witty.

Stranger: : i'd suck at who's line is it anyway.

You: one liners are the life blood of this world

You: if you dont have them you have...nothing

Stranger: i agree.

Stranger: i like you stranger.

Stranger: I like the way you move.

You: i do too! i'm pretty fluid

You: i should be on that show so you think you can dance but i'm too damn good and i'd win too easy

You: i like a challenge

Stranger: alright there "go getter"

You: whats a chicken select?

Stranger: what are you canadian?

You: is that like....squished out chicken?

You: noo....(hides canadian flag)

Stranger: no it's the chicken fingers u get at mcdonalds...the long dry ones, lol

You: ooooooooooh. i dont eat mcdonalds

Stranger: neither do i

You: that secret sauce is mostly urine

Stranger: that's awesome

You: never trust a smiling mcdonalds employee

Stranger: i love canada

Stranger: i've never been

You: you should

Stranger: but i love hockey

Stranger: LOVE IT!!!

You: i actually know nothing about hockey

Stranger: wow.

You: thats a common misconception about canadians

You: yea ...i know the montreal canadians...and the toronto maple leafs

You: and the mighty ducks cause of the movies...thats about it

Stranger: hmm

Stranger: are u a girl?

You: what cause i dont know hockey i'm a girl?

Stranger: no

Stranger: i'm just asking

You: i think thats what you were implying

Stranger: bc if you're canadian

Stranger: and you don't know hockey

Stranger: you're either a girl or a 3 year old boy.

Stranger: and you're typing pretty fast.

You: well you're american...do you know "marrying your cousin"?

You: i win

Dear Sweet Stan Lee (Jesus)

A coworker passed me this little BOMBSHELL of a headline today: Disney to Acquire Marvel Entertainment.

Why!? WHY!!?? Why is this happening lord? Since when do we mix our beloved marvel elite with the likes of Cruella de Vil and Pocahontas?

Be prepared to go from this:















To this:




Okay so this image alone is better than Wolverine: Origins (yes, I said it, that movie was redicu-awful), but can you imagine a Wolverine sequel where the guest cameo is Mickey in a wolvie costume? Or perhaps near the end Wolverine sits the x-kids down for a good ol' moral speech about justice and racial equality?

NO. If Wolverine isn't stabbing, smoking, drinking and grunting, then its just not a movie I want to see.


In fact, be prepared for all the marvel titles to tote a nice friendly PG rating from here on in. Or maybe they'll get crazy and do a PG-13 on us like Curse of the Black Pearl.

Disney Studios has aquired Stan Lee's brain child hoping to corner a new market:

“It helps Disney add exposure to a young male demographic it had sort of lost some balance with,” Joyce said, noting the $4-billion offer was at “full price.”

What? Disney Princesses weren't enough for you? Hell! It only took you 70 years to come out with an African American one! Disney...you're so progressive.

Here's hoping they cast Miley Cyrus as Shadowcat. OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE!

Ugh, sometimes hype makes me sick

Is anyone else really tired of hearing about James Cameron's Avatar? What's happening out in the Hollywood scene with this one is even worse than the propaganda around the last Spiderman movie. So they show a 60sec preview of this "game changing" movie and the tickets sell out in something like a 1.33 seconds, crashing the internet and people are fighting over them like mad. Its 60 seconds people! 60 seconds that are bound to be on youtube within an hour of the preview airing in theaters. Crazies. Its a fucking movie by the guy who did Titanic. TITANIC. Why did everyone love that movie but me???




So anyway, I was taking a look at Avatar, not to be confused with the only Avatar worth seeing but unfortunately being directed by M.Night Sha-shittydirector-malan, and thought it looked strangely familiar. Now I'm not naive enough to believe that anything coming out of the Hollywood machine is even remotely original anymore, but I did have some high hopes for this one. In my internet searching, turns out I was right.

Apparently Avatar looks pretty similar to some other movies out there right now. Particularly one called Delgo.

Delgo was a shitty animated film last year that completely bombed at the box office. The plot centered around a teenage alien trying to rally the troops to save the world from itself or some junk.

Anyway, take a look at these very interesting side by side comparisons:

1) Floating rocks.


Hmm...how to make a creepy sci-fi world... mist: check. rock formations: check. I think we're done guys!

Okay so I know a lot of movies has the same scenery so really my argument so far is weak. So, let me just comment on how if you think this is cool - picture it on a black t-shirt with a wolf howling in front of it being worn by a 40-something year old man who refuses to take off his leather jacket in 30degree weather. Yea. Not so cool now is it?




2) Litebrite action!

Why do so many animated sci-fi's have this very scene in it?? I swear this was also in Ferngully. Anyway, maybe these movies just aren't complete

without the scene that comes in the middle where the lead male character has a reflective moment with the lead female character where they ponder their existence and the fate of the world. So deep man. I'm already writing fan fiction about the sexual tension there. Its so uncomfortable!

Side note: Delgo - if you want your 2008 movie to do well you don't put your female lead in pink spandex, just sayin'.




3) Scary Monsters!



Oh c'mon. It's the same movie. Look at that! In fact its also the same movie as the 4th Harry Potter. Only not as cool, and with less sexy wizards. Those Weasley twins are sexy sexy bitches. But I digress.

Okay imagine these in the same colour palate. They're practically twin dragons. 5 bucks says that in each movie's next scenes the aliens try to befriend and then mount the dragons backs to ride them against the enemy.





4) I so won that bet.

Pay me my money bitches!


























5) Aww. Alien love.



I win. Avatar is Delgo.


So I pose this question - if Avatar is so extremely unoriginal, then why rip off a movie as bad as Delgo? Perhaps they thought it would be missed? But clearly it wasn't and now its just kinda pathetic.

Seriously Cameron, your follow-up to Titanic is a re-imagined Delgo? For shame.


And even if it was all coincidence, someone please tell me what is so "game" or "life" changing about this movie? I thought when I watched the trailer that I would feel the sort of shock and awe that I felt when I first saw the trailer for Final Fantasy: the Spirits Within. The kind of shock when you see ground breaking animation for the first time in large scale and just go: WOW. And I just don't feel it with this one. It was more like an: oh, alright.

You wanna get me exited? Show me something to get excited about and not the same old animation style we've been seeing ever since Weta got their hands on LOTR. Also, I'm pretty over this whole 3D phase we have going on lately with every movie that seems to be coming out. You know what we need? 4D viewing. Cameron - bring me some smell-o-vision from some exotic alien world (although I imagine that one would smell like lavender washed socks rolled in blue cheese) and maybe then I'll agree that your movie is "game changing", but until then you're just Delgo: the sequel in 3D to me.

Edit: Thanks to Kim for sending me this and proving that Hitler couldn't have been all that bad

Vamps are so hot right now...and I'm so ahead of the times

I can't even begin to express how truly tired I am of the Twilight "phenomenon" and how vampires are the new black. Okay get ready for it, this is gonna be a long post.

Can't the internet just be happy with its new found bacon obsession and leave it at that? I think I would be far more content if only it would.

*sigh*. Anyway, perusing ComicCon 2009 was a pretty sad feat indeed. Easily 92% of the news coming out of the event had to do with Twilight, the crazy Twihards and the panel featuring Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson and that hot-but-far-too-young-for-me guy who plays Jacob, Taylor Lautner. Excuse me for a moment while I go flog myself for actually remembering all of their names.

Now before you start on me:
1) Yes, I have read Twilight. Yes, the WHOLE series
2) Yes, I have read Midnight Sun...was it less excruciating? No.
3) Yes, I have seen the movie. (I'm sorry eyes)
4) Yes, I love me some vampires

Okay now lets comment on the above points.

1) Yes, I have read Twilight. Yes, the WHOLE series. And you know what it was like for me - something akin to hell. Pure sexual frustrating hell. Actually after reading the first of the series I felt like I had to jump Ben in order to make up for all of the sex that was lacking in the book. That was a good night. It was so riddled with teen angst it made me thank the stars that I'm still not in high school. Cause think about it - doesn't the "love" and obsession in the first book really set teenagers up for a fucked up relationship? Teens and pre-teens are very impressionable. If they internalize this book they begin to search for a sort of obsessive love which really - in any other context would be taken for nothing short of abusive.

He breaks into her room and watches her while she sleeps. While. She. Sleeps.

If that isn't a creeper I just dont know what is.

Please don't get me started on the rest of the series. So predictable. And can someone use a word count on how many times SM uses the word "chagrin"? Someone get that bitch a thesaurus. The series wraps so well that how would any dedicated fan girl not cum all over the books after shes done reading? SM gives the reader everything they want with a little bow on top. Its disappointing.

Lets compare this to Harry Potter - JKR does package up the last book with a nice cater-to-the-fans epilogue. But, if you talk to any - ANY hardcore fan, they usually leave that last chapter out. Even though its essentially a happy ending - so many people die and are taken away, there is real loss and pain there (as real as it can be anyway). For those fans who have lost their favorites its a big deal - not so in the Twilight series. Look at that little boy cry. Those are REAL fan tears people!

2) Yes, I have read Midnight Sun...was it less excruciating? No. Oh. My. Fucking. God. I've never heard someone whine that much. And if they are that way, the LAST place I want to be is in their head. God, Edward is such a bitch! Where is the brooding mystery? I'm so happy that this follow up to Twilight from Edwards perspective was leaked on the net, because SM making any money from this publication would have been ludicrous. You know what's NOT a vampire trait - laying your heart on the ground and then crying about it after the fact. You know what IS a vampire trait? Mystery! Look up any clip with Angel from Buffy, or even Bill from True Blood. The mystery equals the danger, and that's what a vampire IS - sexy danger. Edward and his "control" make me sick. I never actually feel threatened when hes like "I could kill you...you should stay away from me." Yes, because your puppy dog eyes are so threatening. You know whats going to kill me? My perpetual vomit.


3) Yes, I have seen the movie. (I'm sorry eyes). Seriously I wish I just read the books and kept it at that. Because now whenever I see Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson I want to die. The one good thing about that movie - Taylor Lautner. Why he's so young just isn't fair in this world. WHY are you 17!? Dammit!






4) Yes I love me some vampires. Welcome back to 1997 - when I sat down to watch the very first episode of Buffy the Vampire slayer and was immediately hooked. Thats what you need - a strong heroine, a equally strong, mysterious, and dangerous vampire lead - and all the sexual tension you can muster. I was even a vampire fan back when Interview With the Vampire was cool and who even remembers when that was? Since my pre-teen years I've devoured as much vampire lore as I could get a hold of, and as far as Twilight in the vampire lore goes it is definately on the tame end. Its like vampires for dummies. Vamp-lite. These bitches want to KILL YOU - not make sure they're married to you before they bed you!

I think what upsets me the most is that there is actually a following large and dedicated enough to coin the term "Twihards" instead of just fans. These people set themselves apart as if the Twilight Series is a bible of sorts, like how some *cough* mega nerds *cough* have latched on to the Jedi knight faith.

Despite my general distaste for Twilight - I have to admit that I know why it's appealing. Its a pure happy ending love story. I think it would have the same effect if they put Zombies in the roles, or Carebears...only maybe Carebears would be more frightening. Honestly its just a chronicle of idealized love. Love, that if it does exist probably has a restraining order against it.

101 Ways to Ruin Your Perfectly Good Diet

All 101 ways is basically just one way...done 101 different times. I don't know if anyone but me and my bulging belly are aware but Cold Stone Creamery has just paired up in a test branding project with Tim Hortons. So that means that some of the most delicious ice cream flavours are now available with Canada's favorite coffee. Ice cream AND coffee...gross. I hate coffee. HOWEVER, I do love tea...they should make a tea flavoured ice cream! OOH a green tea flavoured ice cream. I'm going to patent that shit up.

Anyway...for those of you who dont know, who havent seen me in 7 months, or who are just plain oblivious to these things I have dropped 70 lbs. Which is, not to toot my own horn, fucking impressive (toot toot). But then this little duo comes along and threatens to ruin it all to hell.

Now, it wouldn't be so bad if it was something that was hard for me to get to. That's why I haven't been to Dutch Dreams for their - oh so delicious - peanut butter cookie yogurt. Its just too far...and I'm too lazy....and I figure if I have to go THAT far out of the way to get it then I'm really breaking diet and I have only myself to blame.

But - the Cold Stone/Tim's...where are they? Oh only 5 blocks from my house. Who the fuck puts a pilot project on the Danforth!? WHO puts anything on the Danforth but greek people?? Seriously, why wouldn't a location like this be down by Dundas square or perhaps even Queen Street? It's like the company sought this location to purposely fuck with me.

That being said, I've been there like 3 times since I found out about it...which is pretty good all considering that eating the Birthday Cake Remix flavour (above) is like having a cake orgasm in my mouth. Delicious. It will RUIN me.
And take a look at this peanut butter maple fudge white chocolate infusion. Yea I know you want it. You know how I know? Because I wanted it so much I was willing to throw it up and eat it again it was THAT good.


So all in all Cold Stone/Tim's - good on you. Very successful. I'll have to say that this is probably the best pairing since bacon and maple syrup, black and white (me!), but not Storm and Black Panther - that's just a fucking disaster.

Japan - 24hrs in transit

You know you never really realize JUST how long 16hrs is until you do it non-stop on a plane. I've been through it before, true, going to Bali but you just never quite remember it. I do have to say though, being 60lbs lighter on a plane does have its advantages. No more being wedged between armrests and being unable to cross legs. Its pretty sweet in that respect. So getting here wasn't all that bad. I managed to fill my time with: Revolutionary road (made me want to slit my wrists with the complementary plastic utensils that came with my lunch, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Hotel for Dogs (WHY is Don Cheadle in this shitty shitty movie?), and something else that's so awesome I cant even remember the name of it - that's how awesomely awesome. Thank god for personal TV's on flights.

And the weirdest shit. Before we could get off the plane - we were asked to pull down the blinds while a medical team came on board to take our temperatures and declare us swine flu free. We were each given surgical masks and this guy came around with a thermal camera (no individual probing necessary).

So, after a 1.5 hr stopover at Narita Airport we boarded our second plane to Osaka where I was served a cold green tea that smelt faintly of urine or fish...or both. Now I'm a lover of green tea in all its forms but I basically took a sip and gave a blank stare to the attendant who was all like: arigato gozimas! And I was all like: I SAID GREEN TEA BITCH NOT FISH PEE! But it was actually all just said in my head and not actually out loud. At how many hours of not sleeping do you start to hallucinate? hmm.


AAAnyway. Now, we had it all preplanned that after we arrived at Osaka Kansai airport we simply find the JR rail route and take one train into Kyoto station. Easy Peasy. Yea, easy peasy IF you have the right destination to start out with. Turns out that we weren't actually at Kansai airport but Osaka International...which is basically on the other side of the city. So, all that preplanning was washed straight down the drain and we had to race to find an info booth before the last train left. This lead Ben to a woman who proceeded to pull out map after map after map...probably about 6 while she kept pointing to places on it and had Ben shaking his head in general confusion. All she really had to do was say: take a left, go down the escalator and get on the bus!

We ended up on this airport limo bus that would take us right into Kyoto station, and we get on and the guy in front of me takes the very last seat so Ben and I are like, okay looks like we have to stand. A minute later the same Japanese man is pulling at my sleeve and pulls down a seat that folds out from a chair and seats you in the aisle. It was so weird! And I think its a fire hazard. But at least I got to sit (not enough of that on the plane!) and had this older Japanese businessman snoring into my ear. Good times.

We finally arrive at our hotel - now before I talk about my hotel let me just say that Ben and I put very little emphasis into accommodations...and I think this just about proves it. Two single beds, a small balcony, an even smaller bathroom. So small in fact that I couldn't get a proper picture of it! But whatever. If anything it is distinctly Japanese, that's for sure!

Okay off to bed while Ben watches Batman Begins in Japanese. Is it possible that Bale sounds even MORE angry in Japanese!? YES!