Monday, August 31, 2009

Dear Sweet Stan Lee (Jesus)

A coworker passed me this little BOMBSHELL of a headline today: Disney to Acquire Marvel Entertainment.

Why!? WHY!!?? Why is this happening lord? Since when do we mix our beloved marvel elite with the likes of Cruella de Vil and Pocahontas?

Be prepared to go from this:

To this:

Okay so this image alone is better than Wolverine: Origins (yes, I said it, that movie was redicu-awful), but can you imagine a Wolverine sequel where the guest cameo is Mickey in a wolvie costume? Or perhaps near the end Wolverine sits the x-kids down for a good ol' moral speech about justice and racial equality?

NO. If Wolverine isn't stabbing, smoking, drinking and grunting, then its just not a movie I want to see.

In fact, be prepared for all the marvel titles to tote a nice friendly PG rating from here on in. Or maybe they'll get crazy and do a PG-13 on us like Curse of the Black Pearl.

Disney Studios has aquired Stan Lee's brain child hoping to corner a new market:

“It helps Disney add exposure to a young male demographic it had sort of lost some balance with,” Joyce said, noting the $4-billion offer was at “full price.”

What? Disney Princesses weren't enough for you? Hell! It only took you 70 years to come out with an African American one!'re so progressive.

Here's hoping they cast Miley Cyrus as Shadowcat. OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Ugh, sometimes hype makes me sick

Is anyone else really tired of hearing about James Cameron's Avatar? What's happening out in the Hollywood scene with this one is even worse than the propaganda around the last Spiderman movie. So they show a 60sec preview of this "game changing" movie and the tickets sell out in something like a 1.33 seconds, crashing the internet and people are fighting over them like mad. Its 60 seconds people! 60 seconds that are bound to be on youtube within an hour of the preview airing in theaters. Crazies. Its a fucking movie by the guy who did Titanic. TITANIC. Why did everyone love that movie but me???

So anyway, I was taking a look at Avatar, not to be confused with the only Avatar worth seeing but unfortunately being directed by M.Night Sha-shittydirector-malan, and thought it looked strangely familiar. Now I'm not naive enough to believe that anything coming out of the Hollywood machine is even remotely original anymore, but I did have some high hopes for this one. In my internet searching, turns out I was right.

Apparently Avatar looks pretty similar to some other movies out there right now. Particularly one called Delgo.

Delgo was a shitty animated film last year that completely bombed at the box office. The plot centered around a teenage alien trying to rally the troops to save the world from itself or some junk.

Anyway, take a look at these very interesting side by side comparisons:

1) Floating rocks. to make a creepy sci-fi world... mist: check. rock formations: check. I think we're done guys!

Okay so I know a lot of movies has the same scenery so really my argument so far is weak. So, let me just comment on how if you think this is cool - picture it on a black t-shirt with a wolf howling in front of it being worn by a 40-something year old man who refuses to take off his leather jacket in 30degree weather. Yea. Not so cool now is it?

2) Litebrite action!

Why do so many animated sci-fi's have this very scene in it?? I swear this was also in Ferngully. Anyway, maybe these movies just aren't complete

without the scene that comes in the middle where the lead male character has a reflective moment with the lead female character where they ponder their existence and the fate of the world. So deep man. I'm already writing fan fiction about the sexual tension there. Its so uncomfortable!

Side note: Delgo - if you want your 2008 movie to do well you don't put your female lead in pink spandex, just sayin'.

3) Scary Monsters!

Oh c'mon. It's the same movie. Look at that! In fact its also the same movie as the 4th Harry Potter. Only not as cool, and with less sexy wizards. Those Weasley twins are sexy sexy bitches. But I digress.

Okay imagine these in the same colour palate. They're practically twin dragons. 5 bucks says that in each movie's next scenes the aliens try to befriend and then mount the dragons backs to ride them against the enemy.

4) I so won that bet.

Pay me my money bitches!

5) Aww. Alien love.

I win. Avatar is Delgo.

So I pose this question - if Avatar is so extremely unoriginal, then why rip off a movie as bad as Delgo? Perhaps they thought it would be missed? But clearly it wasn't and now its just kinda pathetic.

Seriously Cameron, your follow-up to Titanic is a re-imagined Delgo? For shame.

And even if it was all coincidence, someone please tell me what is so "game" or "life" changing about this movie? I thought when I watched the trailer that I would feel the sort of shock and awe that I felt when I first saw the trailer for Final Fantasy: the Spirits Within. The kind of shock when you see ground breaking animation for the first time in large scale and just go: WOW. And I just don't feel it with this one. It was more like an: oh, alright.

You wanna get me exited? Show me something to get excited about and not the same old animation style we've been seeing ever since Weta got their hands on LOTR. Also, I'm pretty over this whole 3D phase we have going on lately with every movie that seems to be coming out. You know what we need? 4D viewing. Cameron - bring me some smell-o-vision from some exotic alien world (although I imagine that one would smell like lavender washed socks rolled in blue cheese) and maybe then I'll agree that your movie is "game changing", but until then you're just Delgo: the sequel in 3D to me.

Edit: Thanks to Kim for sending me this and proving that Hitler couldn't have been all that bad

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