Monday, December 28, 2009

Avatar = Ferngully + Delgo + unneccessary 3D/ Sigourney Weaver

Okay, so if you've read anything I've written previously about Avatar you would know that I wasn't especially thrilled to see the movie. In fact, I was all prepared to stream it online (like most things that I don't have complete faith in - like the Men Who Stare at Goats ... I was right about that one by the way). So, with only good intentions I loaded up Ninjavideo and snuggled up to watch Avatar only to squint at blurryness until I fell asleep.

Now, maybe it was because I was tired, or just retardely bored with the first 20 minutes of the movie (okay both) but I realized that streaming it in it's shaky-cam state probably wasn't doing the movie any justice. So, I decided to convince Ben to see it at the theatre.

Theatre fail 1: Got out of the car to witness a lineup out the door. Turned around and went home.

Theatre fail 2: Got out of the car, all the way up to the ticket taker - announcement comes on that both 10pm and 10:50pm shows are sold out...on a FUCKING WEDNESDAY night. Turned around and went home.

It was about time to give up when: enter Christmas Day. Ben and I had already done the family thing on the eve, so why not spend one of the most sacred days at the movies!? YAY!! Got in line to get in another line for seats - and finally, my movie experience.

Let me take you through 3 major points of this movie: 1) PRETTY 2) Utter predictability 3) 3D? Seriously?

My good god was I right that this movie had to be seen in theatres. I'm all for pirating the shit out of anything I can, I believe that the movie makers make WAY too much money for usually a sub par product, but this movie just couldn't be seen on through an Avatar (2009) Proper - CAM file. I'm not on the bandwagon that says that the animation is groundbreaking, because it really isn't. The Spirits Within was a movie that was groundbreaking in it's time. Now, although the animation is probably some of the best in the business - I wouldn't call it groundbreaking. But fuck is it ever beautiful. There was a movie that I saw not too long ago that I said the same thing - you don't go to see the acting or the story or any of that crap, you just go to go "wow". And I say the same about Avatar. Everything from the neon light-up plants to the crazy alien monster animals made my eyes go a little wider. It was gorgeous. Although I must say that I got a little tired of the colour blue. Why couldn't there be a nice yellow "native" or at least make them black, cause lets face it, everything from the accents to some of the beliefs in nature pretty much made the "savages" straight out of the African mother land.

2) Utter predictability
DO NOT, I REPEAT: DO NOT GO SEE THIS MOVIE IF YOU HAVE SEEN THE FOLLOWING: Ferngully: The Last Rainforest, Delgo, Halo or any Halo related type game movie thing.

I wont even talk about Delgo because I already pointed out the blaring visual similarities here: Ugh, Sometimes Hype Makes Me Sick . I will say though that the story of Delgo and Avatar is completely different BUT that's where Ferngully takes over. Observe:

Ferngully/Avatar: Guy goes to a place (rainforest/pandora), gets transformed (shrunk/Avatar) and can now fit in with the natives (fairies/Na'vi). Rides some trippy creature (dragonfly/Toruk), falls for the hot chick (Crysta/Neytiri), switches sides cause its all about protecting something sacred (beauty of rainforest/pandora) and battles the big bad (Hexxus/Colonel Quaritch). It's seriously the same fucking story. If it wasn't for point #1 then I'd tell you to just go to Blockbuster and rent Ferngully for $2.99 to see the same fucking movie.

If you've seen Halo you've seen the other part of this movie: militarism. That's just about it. Guys running around with guns and authorities that seem like they're on some sort of heavy-duty steroid mix. And while I'm here can I just say that Sigourney Weaver's acting was atrocious? I don't even care if it has nothing to do with point 2 - I was just dying to say it. God, I thought after not acting for how many years, all that acting amazingness was to build up and overflow. Well, just not so. Just not so.

3) 3D? Seriously?
Can I just say that this movie didn't need to be in 3D at all. AT ALL. This is what 3D is to me: SHIT FLYING AT MY FACE! This is what Avatar is to me: NO SHIT FLYING AT MY FACE!

Why is everyone using this medium needlessly? Seriously, if shit isn't flying at your face, don't make it 3D. Just say no. Avatar joins the ranks of the following: Up, Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, Bolt, Superman Returns, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. All of these movies didn't need to be in 3D, and I think that Avatar would have been just as pretty without the fucking huge 3D glasses affixed to my face and making me feel kinda sick. Plus 3D for almost 3 hours is just fucking cruel. CRUEL I say. I don't even wear my own glasses that long in a day. Seriously. Unless some fucking Pandora insects are swooping around my head - leave 3D to the movies MADE for 3D. Like Shrek 4 *shudder*.

All in all I'm sad to say that I'm glad to have seen this movie. If anything it was visually stunning even if it had no actual plot twists, turns, or really anything interesting. You know what would have been better though? If Sam Worthington's character decided to fall in love with Sigourney Weaver's character instead. OR if he fell in love with the male native who hates him. I dont understand why Cameron is getting such praise for this but so be it. Oh, this movie is ALSO like Dances with Wolves. And Pocahontas. Shit I've seen this movie like 18 times already.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Let me tell you something Facebook

Facebook - where do you get off thinking that I either need to 1) reconnect with friends or 2) get more friends?

Listen, I currently have 304 friends - 30 I talk to on a regular basis, 5 I lurk on a regular basis, 20 are people that I've talked to at one point in my life and MAYBE "like" a link once a month, 5 people are probably pity adds (lets be honest), and the rest I kinda remember from some point in my history.

1) If I need to reconect with friends I'll do it on my own damn timeline. Don't fucking nag at me. Who are you my mom?? No, and you know how I know that? My mom barely knows how to email. So she definitely won't know how to suggest I reconnect with someone who doesn't even have the decency to put up a FB profile picture!

2) Suggest friends? Seriously? You know, you can snoop my cookies for stuff I like to place a zillion ads in the fucking side bar, but for some reason you can't take into account that I probably haven't added these "suggested" friends for a reason. You go right to hell. There is logic to why I haven't reconnected with that girl from high school - she's a bitch...has she changed? Maybe. Do I care? No. No I dont. Why? 'CAUSE I ALREADY HAVE 304 FRIENDS!!

So you know what Facebook? Get off my back. If I happen to remember the name of the girl that I talked to 8 times at a library in grade 9 then I'll take the time to find her, and then still probably not add her...cause really, 304 friends is enough.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

I saw New Moon - and I liked it!!

Wow - what an awesome display of literary to visual storytelling. I think whoever did those Lord of the Rings movies should really sit down, notebook in hand, watch this movie and understand exactly HOW you translate book to screen, because New Moon is just magnificent.

Okay, that's just as much bullshit as I can spew right now.

So on the weekend I screened New Moon online (because I absolutely refuse to watch it in theaters and put any dollars toward these money sucking titles). Despite the fact that the cut I watched had a 40-something mother sitting next to the camera saying things like "I'M SO EXCITED" and "eeeeeeeeh!", that most of it was blurry, and for the first 4 minutes everyone's head was cut off (I think that made it better), I was able to get a good sense of how absolutely shitty this movie is. By the way, this cut was only marginally better than the first one I started to watch called Luna Nueva which was obviously the Spanish version - the acting isn't even good in Spanish, but I think because you can't understand the cheesy dialogue it gives the English version a definite run for its money.

Anyway, New Moon is actually so shitty it's bewildering. If I was actually a fan of these books which I'm obviously not, I would be fairly insulted. There is something to be said about taking a book that is so well loved and turning it into a visual retelling of the magic that readers found on the page. Movies that have done this well: Lord of the Rings, Watchmen, The Godfather, and Jaws to name a few. But New Moon is one of those movies that executives know they can basically have cardboard cut outs with animated lips on screen and people will flock to see it as long as there is still the appropriate amount of slow-mos and eye fucking involved. And man did this movie make money - 140M in the opening weekend? Fuck sakes. You know what that is though? People seeing it 3 times *cough* Jenn *cough* - yea... I know what she's going to say: "But I didn't pay for it!" and I'm going to say right back "Really...if it was free that's even more of an excuse to NOT GO AGAIN!".

Okay enough ranting without examples, lets get into why this was so awful. I have 4 major points:

1) Treating the viewer like they're fucking stupid
2) Retardedly crappy CG effects
3) Equally retardedly crappy acting
4) A lead female character that makes me hate the fact that I have ovaries

There will be lots of spoilers for those who are sensitive about it. But if you're a fan then you probably saw this movie already and otherwise I don't care.

1) Treating the viewer like they're fucking stupid
Okay, the most glaringly obvious point where they treat the viewer like they're retarded is the part of the passing of time when Bella is depressed. So Edward leaves Bella - blah blah blah - curls up in fetal position, goes into depression for exactly 3 months. How do I know its exactly 3 months!? Well...that's because the filmmakers do this lovely passing of time montage. But the montage isn't enough - no no. We must get a camera spin in there, passing of seasons, and because the viewer STILL probably wont get it because by now they have tears so heavy they cant see through them - there are titles on the screen. TITLES ON THE SCREEN.
Dan said it to me best: "Why don't they just show the days of the calendar animating off as the days go by?". Or even better...why isn't someone putting big red crosses though the calendar as the months of loneliness go on - only the red crosses are made from Bella's blood cause shes so emo.

Another example is putting bare chests in for bare chest sake. Now I can appreciate a hot boy - dont get me wrong, but it was as if at one point during the movie making process there was a convo a bit like this:

Chris Weitz: "Fire the wardrobe department!"
AD: "But...what will the actors wear?!"
Chris Weitz: "Clothes? They dont need fucking clothes! We'll make more money if they wear LESS clothes. Now who has the white body makeup for Rob?? Oh for fuck sakes someone shave that guy's chest!! I never had this problem on American Pie."

Here is another example of retarded-shirt-off-ness. After Bella gives up on life in the woods, werewolf Sam rescues her - shirtless. Anyone else bothered by the fact that Bella's Dad thinks its totally cool that a half naked guy that he doesn't really know is carrying his unconcious daughter out of the woods in the middle of the night? Can we all say "rape scene on the cutting room floor"? Methinks so.

2) Retardedly crappy CG effects
I give you exhibit A: Men turning into wolves 3x's their size

Not to even mention that the wolves themselves were subpar. With movies coming out like Avatar that are supposed to be revolutionary for CG - how can New Moon even show face with their $500 budget graphics? Shame.

3) Equally retardedly crappy acting
Where do I even start? Okay, there is one point in the movie where Bella and Edward are canoodling in the back of class and the teacher asks him to recite some Shakespeare to make sure he's paying attention. Well since he's been going to highschool now for like 70 years, of course Romeo and Juliet comes easy to him. But its just SO PAINFUL. Watching him go through the soliliquy made my eyes roll so hard I almost passed out. Acting shouldn't be cringeworthy - and that moment was DEFINITELY cringeworthy.

Ouch my finger! Best part - when Bella gets a papercut and puts this whole Edward leaving her crap into motion., if you were dating a vampire with a family who obviously struggle with their daily thirst for blood, of which your's is apparently particularily tasty, would you be like: "Ow, paper cut" while staring at it and pinching it enough so that a drop falls onto the carpet? Fuck no! You'd take one look at that cut, stick your finger in your mouth and hide under that fucking grand piano because you know one of them is about to bite your stupid ass.

Then there are the one liners:
Edward: [to Bella] You're my only reason to stay... alive. If that's what I am.

Edward: You just don't belong in my world Bella.
Bella: I belong with you.

Jacob: Do not get me upset. (Jacob smash!)

Uuuuuugh. At points, this movie was just so badly acted that I just had to pause the feed and sigh in disbelief.

BUT - I will say that there was a shiny nickle buried somewhere in this poo called New Moon - Taylor Lautner and Dakota Fanning. They were the only ones that showed any sort of acting skills. Too bad Fanning was in it for all of 4 minutes, and Lautner basically gets bonus points for just being so damn HOT (going to jail...). Seriously - who makes 17 year olds THAT good looking?? The world just isn't fair! That was one person who could take his shirt off 15 more times in this movie and it would suit me just fine. Helloooooo.

4) A lead female character that makes me hate the fact that I have ovaries
Please god someone kill her and put both of us out of our misery. How pathetic is Bella in this movie? Okay okay, we've all been there, the first love breakup - the never feeling like you'll ever FEEL again. Sure. Fine. But there has to be a line between that reality and wondering when your on screen "heroine" is going to slit her wrists. At one point she even curls up in a fetal position until that half naked guy comes along to save her sorry ass. Tell me - what is there to really cry about? Okay so the pasty faced "I'm in so much emotional pain all the time, woe is me" guy leaves you - do you not SEE that hotilicious man giving you the eye fuck like eye fucks are going out of style? And what is with the seeing visions of Edward when she gets adrenaline rushes? That isn't emotional turmoil, its called early onset schizophrenia.

How many times does she have to say "I'm not good enough for you" until a mother turns around to her daughter in the theater and tells her that Bella should have more confidence in herself - that she is good enough for ANY man. Why aren't more feminists protesting this weak character? Please someone give Buffy a walk-on in the next movie just to smack the crap outta this chick.

All in all I can see why the Twilight series is and will continue to be popular - its just a venue to parade bare chested jail-bait around for 2 hours while the girl is taken care of, rescued and fawned over by men who in real life would want nothing to do with her because she's just so pathetic. As much as I was entertained by the amount of Jacob - for me this movie would have been better with all of his scenes strung together, cut out the rest of it and then just end it with Fanning smiling like the evil vampire everyone else should be. But really - if these movies want to stand the test of time and actually start making FANS out of the people who are skeptics, then they really need to start upping their game, because poor CG, slow story telling and atrocious acting just isn't going to cut it. who wants to see 2012 with me? SO EXCITED!

Monday, September 14, 2009

And Some People Are Just Jerks

Seriously, why do they keep letting Kanye into awards shows? Particularly the VMA's? I know that everyone and their sister on the interweb is talking about the latest Kanye West stunt at the MTV video music awards where he, in true douchebag style, interrupted Taylor Swifts female video of the year acceptance speech, to proclaim that Beyonce's video was one of the best of all time. Did you SEE Taylor Swift's face?

Usually I revel in the schadenfreude of such events, but to interrupt a 19 year old winning her first VMA, to literally grab the microphone from her for no reason to say perhaps what everyone was thinking but not willing to admit: rude.

Although I'm not a huge fan of Beyonce - I must have watched that video where she fell down the stairs laughing my ass off at least 19 times - her video for "Single Ladies" was stellar. But you know what? Not everyone can win. And not everyone cares what Kanye West has to say, especially when he can't seem to get all that sand out of his vagina.

Let's recap Kanye's award show douchebaggery to this date:

1) On November 2, 2006, when "Touch the Sky" failed to win Best Video at the MTV Europe Music Awards, West went onto the stage as the award was being presented to Justice and Simian for "We Are Your Friends" and argued that he should have won the award instead because it “cost a million dollars, Pamela Anderson was in it. I was jumping across canyons.” What? Pam Anderson was in it? Screw the Moonman - someone give him a fucking nobel prize STAT!!

2) At the 2007 Vegas VMA's toward the end of "Can't Tell Me Nothing," West lashed out at Britney Spears who opened and wondered why he wasn't approached to kick off the VMAs. "I can't believe she would perform/ She hasn't had a hit record in years,". He then referred to last year's VMA opener, Justin Timberlake, and rapped, "I gotta get my money right/ Or maybe I gotta get my skin white." *shakes head* Oh Kanye...playing the race card.

3) At the 32nd American Music Awards Upon hearing he has lost the Best New Artist award to "Redneck Woman" Gretchen Wilson, West storms out of the AMAs in a show of protest. He later tells reporters, "I felt like I was definitely robbed, and I refused to give any politically correct bullsh--ass comment ... I was the best new artist this year." He also followed this up in the 2009 GrammyAwards with Estelle before presenting the Best New Artist to Adele with saying "Its funny how neither I or Estelle won Best New Artist."

We get it Kanye, you like winning trophies. It's not enough to sell millions and millions of dollars worth of records, have that beautiful woman (????...its a woman right?) on your arm and have hundreds of thousands of aspiring rappers want to be like you, you have to humiliate a 19 year old on stage just to throw a little girl hissy fit.

What happened to the good old days where Rappers sought to get publicity through shootin' each other? Now they just throw bitch-fits on stage and pretend they're gonna retire to get someone to notice them. I bet Biggie and Tupac are rollin' around in their graves. Big L woulda just laid a cap in Taylor Swift's ass after the awards if he was really THAT upset. On that note I'm just gonna leave you with Kanye's last accomplishment. You may be able to interrupt a little white girl...but the president? Ah hellz no.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Always Talk To Strangers

Can I tell you how much I love Omegle? It's this awesome little website that allows you to talk to total strangers anywhere in the world (but mostly from the states). Some people are sports. Some just disconnect on you the minute you type "crotchmonkey" but I guess its all about personal preference. Here are some convo's I had tonight!

Stranger: ass through nuts.
You: ....
You: well thats random
Stranger: wow.
Stranger: this is awkward.
You: more for me though
Stranger: was it?
You: a little
Stranger: i felt PREEETTTY awkward.
You: its okay i thrive on awkward
Stranger: i think you're an awkward size queen.
Stranger: like
You: did you know!?
Stranger: well.
Stranger: i can't come up w anything witty.
Stranger: : i'd suck at who's line is it anyway.
You: one liners are the life blood of this world
You: if you dont have them you have...nothing
Stranger: i agree.
Stranger: i like you stranger.
Stranger: I like the way you move.
You: i do too! i'm pretty fluid
You: i should be on that show so you think you can dance but i'm too damn good and i'd win too easy
You: i like a challenge
Stranger: alright there "go getter"
You: whats a chicken select?
Stranger: what are you canadian?
You: is that like....squished out chicken?
You: noo....(hides canadian flag)
Stranger: no it's the chicken fingers u get at mcdonalds...the long dry ones, lol
You: ooooooooooh. i dont eat mcdonalds
Stranger: neither do i
You: that secret sauce is mostly urine
Stranger: that's awesome
You: never trust a smiling mcdonalds employee
Stranger: i love canada
Stranger: i've never been
You: you should
Stranger: but i love hockey
Stranger: LOVE IT!!!
You: i actually know nothing about hockey
Stranger: wow.
You: thats a common misconception about canadians
You: yea ...i know the montreal canadians...and the toronto maple leafs
You: and the mighty ducks cause of the movies...thats about it
Stranger: hmm
Stranger: are u a girl?
You: what cause i dont know hockey i'm a girl?
Stranger: no
Stranger: i'm just asking
You: i think thats what you were implying
Stranger: bc if you're canadian
Stranger: and you don't know hockey
Stranger: you're either a girl or a 3 year old boy.
Stranger: and you're typing pretty fast.
You: well you're you know "marrying your cousin"?
You: i win

Monday, August 31, 2009

Dear Sweet Stan Lee (Jesus)

A coworker passed me this little BOMBSHELL of a headline today: Disney to Acquire Marvel Entertainment.

Why!? WHY!!?? Why is this happening lord? Since when do we mix our beloved marvel elite with the likes of Cruella de Vil and Pocahontas?

Be prepared to go from this:

To this:

Okay so this image alone is better than Wolverine: Origins (yes, I said it, that movie was redicu-awful), but can you imagine a Wolverine sequel where the guest cameo is Mickey in a wolvie costume? Or perhaps near the end Wolverine sits the x-kids down for a good ol' moral speech about justice and racial equality?

NO. If Wolverine isn't stabbing, smoking, drinking and grunting, then its just not a movie I want to see.

In fact, be prepared for all the marvel titles to tote a nice friendly PG rating from here on in. Or maybe they'll get crazy and do a PG-13 on us like Curse of the Black Pearl.

Disney Studios has aquired Stan Lee's brain child hoping to corner a new market:

“It helps Disney add exposure to a young male demographic it had sort of lost some balance with,” Joyce said, noting the $4-billion offer was at “full price.”

What? Disney Princesses weren't enough for you? Hell! It only took you 70 years to come out with an African American one!'re so progressive.

Here's hoping they cast Miley Cyrus as Shadowcat. OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Ugh, sometimes hype makes me sick

Is anyone else really tired of hearing about James Cameron's Avatar? What's happening out in the Hollywood scene with this one is even worse than the propaganda around the last Spiderman movie. So they show a 60sec preview of this "game changing" movie and the tickets sell out in something like a 1.33 seconds, crashing the internet and people are fighting over them like mad. Its 60 seconds people! 60 seconds that are bound to be on youtube within an hour of the preview airing in theaters. Crazies. Its a fucking movie by the guy who did Titanic. TITANIC. Why did everyone love that movie but me???

So anyway, I was taking a look at Avatar, not to be confused with the only Avatar worth seeing but unfortunately being directed by M.Night Sha-shittydirector-malan, and thought it looked strangely familiar. Now I'm not naive enough to believe that anything coming out of the Hollywood machine is even remotely original anymore, but I did have some high hopes for this one. In my internet searching, turns out I was right.

Apparently Avatar looks pretty similar to some other movies out there right now. Particularly one called Delgo.

Delgo was a shitty animated film last year that completely bombed at the box office. The plot centered around a teenage alien trying to rally the troops to save the world from itself or some junk.

Anyway, take a look at these very interesting side by side comparisons:

1) Floating rocks. to make a creepy sci-fi world... mist: check. rock formations: check. I think we're done guys!

Okay so I know a lot of movies has the same scenery so really my argument so far is weak. So, let me just comment on how if you think this is cool - picture it on a black t-shirt with a wolf howling in front of it being worn by a 40-something year old man who refuses to take off his leather jacket in 30degree weather. Yea. Not so cool now is it?

2) Litebrite action!

Why do so many animated sci-fi's have this very scene in it?? I swear this was also in Ferngully. Anyway, maybe these movies just aren't complete

without the scene that comes in the middle where the lead male character has a reflective moment with the lead female character where they ponder their existence and the fate of the world. So deep man. I'm already writing fan fiction about the sexual tension there. Its so uncomfortable!

Side note: Delgo - if you want your 2008 movie to do well you don't put your female lead in pink spandex, just sayin'.

3) Scary Monsters!

Oh c'mon. It's the same movie. Look at that! In fact its also the same movie as the 4th Harry Potter. Only not as cool, and with less sexy wizards. Those Weasley twins are sexy sexy bitches. But I digress.

Okay imagine these in the same colour palate. They're practically twin dragons. 5 bucks says that in each movie's next scenes the aliens try to befriend and then mount the dragons backs to ride them against the enemy.

4) I so won that bet.

Pay me my money bitches!

5) Aww. Alien love.

I win. Avatar is Delgo.

So I pose this question - if Avatar is so extremely unoriginal, then why rip off a movie as bad as Delgo? Perhaps they thought it would be missed? But clearly it wasn't and now its just kinda pathetic.

Seriously Cameron, your follow-up to Titanic is a re-imagined Delgo? For shame.

And even if it was all coincidence, someone please tell me what is so "game" or "life" changing about this movie? I thought when I watched the trailer that I would feel the sort of shock and awe that I felt when I first saw the trailer for Final Fantasy: the Spirits Within. The kind of shock when you see ground breaking animation for the first time in large scale and just go: WOW. And I just don't feel it with this one. It was more like an: oh, alright.

You wanna get me exited? Show me something to get excited about and not the same old animation style we've been seeing ever since Weta got their hands on LOTR. Also, I'm pretty over this whole 3D phase we have going on lately with every movie that seems to be coming out. You know what we need? 4D viewing. Cameron - bring me some smell-o-vision from some exotic alien world (although I imagine that one would smell like lavender washed socks rolled in blue cheese) and maybe then I'll agree that your movie is "game changing", but until then you're just Delgo: the sequel in 3D to me.

Edit: Thanks to Kim for sending me this and proving that Hitler couldn't have been all that bad

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Vamps are so hot right now...and I'm so ahead of the times

I can't even begin to express how truly tired I am of the Twilight "phenomenon" and how vampires are the new black. Okay get ready for it, this is gonna be a long post.

Can't the internet just be happy with its new found bacon obsession and leave it at that? I think I would be far more content if only it would.

*sigh*. Anyway, perusing ComicCon 2009 was a pretty sad feat indeed. Easily 92% of the news coming out of the event had to do with Twilight, the crazy Twihards and the panel featuring Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson and that hot-but-far-too-young-for-me guy who plays Jacob, Taylor Lautner. Excuse me for a moment while I go flog myself for actually remembering all of their names.

Now before you start on me:
1) Yes, I have read Twilight. Yes, the WHOLE series
2) Yes, I have read Midnight Sun...was it less excruciating? No.
3) Yes, I have seen the movie. (I'm sorry eyes)
4) Yes, I love me some vampires

Okay now lets comment on the above points.

1) Yes, I have read Twilight. Yes, the WHOLE series. And you know what it was like for me - something akin to hell. Pure sexual frustrating hell. Actually after reading the first of the series I felt like I had to jump Ben in order to make up for all of the sex that was lacking in the book. That was a good night. It was so riddled with teen angst it made me thank the stars that I'm still not in high school. Cause think about it - doesn't the "love" and obsession in the first book really set teenagers up for a fucked up relationship? Teens and pre-teens are very impressionable. If they internalize this book they begin to search for a sort of obsessive love which really - in any other context would be taken for nothing short of abusive.

He breaks into her room and watches her while she sleeps. While. She. Sleeps.

If that isn't a creeper I just dont know what is.

Please don't get me started on the rest of the series. So predictable. And can someone use a word count on how many times SM uses the word "chagrin"? Someone get that bitch a thesaurus. The series wraps so well that how would any dedicated fan girl not cum all over the books after shes done reading? SM gives the reader everything they want with a little bow on top. Its disappointing.

Lets compare this to Harry Potter - JKR does package up the last book with a nice cater-to-the-fans epilogue. But, if you talk to any - ANY hardcore fan, they usually leave that last chapter out. Even though its essentially a happy ending - so many people die and are taken away, there is real loss and pain there (as real as it can be anyway). For those fans who have lost their favorites its a big deal - not so in the Twilight series. Look at that little boy cry. Those are REAL fan tears people!

2) Yes, I have read Midnight Sun...was it less excruciating? No. Oh. My. Fucking. God. I've never heard someone whine that much. And if they are that way, the LAST place I want to be is in their head. God, Edward is such a bitch! Where is the brooding mystery? I'm so happy that this follow up to Twilight from Edwards perspective was leaked on the net, because SM making any money from this publication would have been ludicrous. You know what's NOT a vampire trait - laying your heart on the ground and then crying about it after the fact. You know what IS a vampire trait? Mystery! Look up any clip with Angel from Buffy, or even Bill from True Blood. The mystery equals the danger, and that's what a vampire IS - sexy danger. Edward and his "control" make me sick. I never actually feel threatened when hes like "I could kill should stay away from me." Yes, because your puppy dog eyes are so threatening. You know whats going to kill me? My perpetual vomit.

3) Yes, I have seen the movie. (I'm sorry eyes). Seriously I wish I just read the books and kept it at that. Because now whenever I see Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson I want to die. The one good thing about that movie - Taylor Lautner. Why he's so young just isn't fair in this world. WHY are you 17!? Dammit!

4) Yes I love me some vampires. Welcome back to 1997 - when I sat down to watch the very first episode of Buffy the Vampire slayer and was immediately hooked. Thats what you need - a strong heroine, a equally strong, mysterious, and dangerous vampire lead - and all the sexual tension you can muster. I was even a vampire fan back when Interview With the Vampire was cool and who even remembers when that was? Since my pre-teen years I've devoured as much vampire lore as I could get a hold of, and as far as Twilight in the vampire lore goes it is definately on the tame end. Its like vampires for dummies. Vamp-lite. These bitches want to KILL YOU - not make sure they're married to you before they bed you!

I think what upsets me the most is that there is actually a following large and dedicated enough to coin the term "Twihards" instead of just fans. These people set themselves apart as if the Twilight Series is a bible of sorts, like how some *cough* mega nerds *cough* have latched on to the Jedi knight faith.

Despite my general distaste for Twilight - I have to admit that I know why it's appealing. Its a pure happy ending love story. I think it would have the same effect if they put Zombies in the roles, or Carebears...only maybe Carebears would be more frightening. Honestly its just a chronicle of idealized love. Love, that if it does exist probably has a restraining order against it.

101 Ways to Ruin Your Perfectly Good Diet

All 101 ways is basically just one way...done 101 different times. I don't know if anyone but me and my bulging belly are aware but Cold Stone Creamery has just paired up in a test branding project with Tim Hortons. So that means that some of the most delicious ice cream flavours are now available with Canada's favorite coffee. Ice cream AND coffee...gross. I hate coffee. HOWEVER, I do love tea...they should make a tea flavoured ice cream! OOH a green tea flavoured ice cream. I'm going to patent that shit up.

Anyway...for those of you who dont know, who havent seen me in 7 months, or who are just plain oblivious to these things I have dropped 70 lbs. Which is, not to toot my own horn, fucking impressive (toot toot). But then this little duo comes along and threatens to ruin it all to hell.

Now, it wouldn't be so bad if it was something that was hard for me to get to. That's why I haven't been to Dutch Dreams for their - oh so delicious - peanut butter cookie yogurt. Its just too far...and I'm too lazy....and I figure if I have to go THAT far out of the way to get it then I'm really breaking diet and I have only myself to blame.

But - the Cold Stone/Tim's...where are they? Oh only 5 blocks from my house. Who the fuck puts a pilot project on the Danforth!? WHO puts anything on the Danforth but greek people?? Seriously, why wouldn't a location like this be down by Dundas square or perhaps even Queen Street? It's like the company sought this location to purposely fuck with me.

That being said, I've been there like 3 times since I found out about it...which is pretty good all considering that eating the Birthday Cake Remix flavour (above) is like having a cake orgasm in my mouth. Delicious. It will RUIN me.
And take a look at this peanut butter maple fudge white chocolate infusion. Yea I know you want it. You know how I know? Because I wanted it so much I was willing to throw it up and eat it again it was THAT good.

So all in all Cold Stone/Tim's - good on you. Very successful. I'll have to say that this is probably the best pairing since bacon and maple syrup, black and white (me!), but not Storm and Black Panther - that's just a fucking disaster.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Japan - 24hrs in transit

You know you never really realize JUST how long 16hrs is until you do it non-stop on a plane. I've been through it before, true, going to Bali but you just never quite remember it. I do have to say though, being 60lbs lighter on a plane does have its advantages. No more being wedged between armrests and being unable to cross legs. Its pretty sweet in that respect. So getting here wasn't all that bad. I managed to fill my time with: Revolutionary road (made me want to slit my wrists with the complementary plastic utensils that came with my lunch, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Hotel for Dogs (WHY is Don Cheadle in this shitty shitty movie?), and something else that's so awesome I cant even remember the name of it - that's how awesomely awesome. Thank god for personal TV's on flights.

And the weirdest shit. Before we could get off the plane - we were asked to pull down the blinds while a medical team came on board to take our temperatures and declare us swine flu free. We were each given surgical masks and this guy came around with a thermal camera (no individual probing necessary).

So, after a 1.5 hr stopover at Narita Airport we boarded our second plane to Osaka where I was served a cold green tea that smelt faintly of urine or fish...or both. Now I'm a lover of green tea in all its forms but I basically took a sip and gave a blank stare to the attendant who was all like: arigato gozimas! And I was all like: I SAID GREEN TEA BITCH NOT FISH PEE! But it was actually all just said in my head and not actually out loud. At how many hours of not sleeping do you start to hallucinate? hmm.

AAAnyway. Now, we had it all preplanned that after we arrived at Osaka Kansai airport we simply find the JR rail route and take one train into Kyoto station. Easy Peasy. Yea, easy peasy IF you have the right destination to start out with. Turns out that we weren't actually at Kansai airport but Osaka International...which is basically on the other side of the city. So, all that preplanning was washed straight down the drain and we had to race to find an info booth before the last train left. This lead Ben to a woman who proceeded to pull out map after map after map...probably about 6 while she kept pointing to places on it and had Ben shaking his head in general confusion. All she really had to do was say: take a left, go down the escalator and get on the bus!

We ended up on this airport limo bus that would take us right into Kyoto station, and we get on and the guy in front of me takes the very last seat so Ben and I are like, okay looks lik
e we have to stand. A minute later the same Japanese man is pulling at my sleeve and pulls down a seat that folds out from a chair and seats you in the aisle. It was so weird! And I think its a fire hazard. But at least I got to sit (not enough of that on the plane!) and had this older Japanese businessman snoring into my ear. Good times.

We finally arrive at our hotel - now before I talk about my hotel let me just say that Ben and I put very little emphasis into accommodations...and I think this just about proves it. Two single beds, a small balcony, an even smaller bathroom. So small in fact that I couldn't get a proper picture of it! But whatever. If anything it is distinctly Japanese, that's for sure!

Okay off to bed while Ben watches Batman Begins in Japanese. Is it possible that Bale sounds even MORE angry in Japanese!? YES!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Oh I see...virtural killing is only wrong when its babies

Apple has "rethought" the decision to allow an iPhone application that lets you shake a baby to death to quiet its crying. the "Baby Shaker" was released on Monday for 99c and shows pictures of babies crying and a stopwatch. So you shake the iPhone to get the baby to stop crying in record time and the baby ends up with little "x's" in its eyes, I guess to signify death.

I have mixed feelings about this one. I mean...shaking babies is wrong. But is shaking virtual babies wrong? Isn't that the same argument as saying that killing people is wrong and yet whenever a new Grand Theft Auto comes out it sells a zillion copies!? See, shaking babies is wrong, but beating hookers to death with a bat? Thats just entertainment!

Or is it that its just plain too accessible? Baby shaking at your fingertips!

Perhaps this is really to stop people from ACTUALLY shaking their babies, like a stress reliever? Either way, how these - and other apps like "beer goggles" and "virtual boobies" get through the Apple filter is beyond me. And why I don't have an iPhone in order to dl these when they're released and play them is also a mystery! What? I'm okay with being a testing ground.

Video of the app in action (its actually really poorly designed. I mean, if you're gonna kill babies at least make it more entertaining than a black and white image) after the jump.

Baby killaz!

Wednesday, April 15, 2009


That mean's "What Would Bruce Campbell Do?" because I bet he would have a contingency plan if Zombies were to take over your city. It would probably involve blowing their heads off with a boom stick, sawing off his own hand and going a wee bit crazy but who are we to judge?

Check out Cracked for different suggestions on what to do if you are attacked by a Zombie, or - how to be prepared in case of Zombie attack! Better to be safe than sorry I say.

My contingency plan?
1) See Zombie
2) Throw husband at Zombie
3) Observe Zombie realization that husband has no real brains inside head
4) Run like hell leaving husband to his own devices

I think its a pretty strong plan.

Check out more awesome Zombie pics after the jump

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Why? Because playing World of Warcraft 22 hours a day can make you smell like cheetos and regret

The Avant's Santelubain 999 is a futuristic type of shower that does all the dirty scrubbing work for you. The machine shampoo's the body, applies steam, aromatherapy, and can even use seaweed packs. I dont know about you but I'm not about to jump on into that thing so that it can touch my nether regions. It looks like a pervert bot. A pervert bot that wants to scrub me while I lay there and do nothing. Wait...does it come with jets?
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