Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Vamps are so hot right now...and I'm so ahead of the times

I can't even begin to express how truly tired I am of the Twilight "phenomenon" and how vampires are the new black. Okay get ready for it, this is gonna be a long post.

Can't the internet just be happy with its new found bacon obsession and leave it at that? I think I would be far more content if only it would.

*sigh*. Anyway, perusing ComicCon 2009 was a pretty sad feat indeed. Easily 92% of the news coming out of the event had to do with Twilight, the crazy Twihards and the panel featuring Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson and that hot-but-far-too-young-for-me guy who plays Jacob, Taylor Lautner. Excuse me for a moment while I go flog myself for actually remembering all of their names.

Now before you start on me:
1) Yes, I have read Twilight. Yes, the WHOLE series
2) Yes, I have read Midnight Sun...was it less excruciating? No.
3) Yes, I have seen the movie. (I'm sorry eyes)
4) Yes, I love me some vampires

Okay now lets comment on the above points.

1) Yes, I have read Twilight. Yes, the WHOLE series. And you know what it was like for me - something akin to hell. Pure sexual frustrating hell. Actually after reading the first of the series I felt like I had to jump Ben in order to make up for all of the sex that was lacking in the book. That was a good night. It was so riddled with teen angst it made me thank the stars that I'm still not in high school. Cause think about it - doesn't the "love" and obsession in the first book really set teenagers up for a fucked up relationship? Teens and pre-teens are very impressionable. If they internalize this book they begin to search for a sort of obsessive love which really - in any other context would be taken for nothing short of abusive.

He breaks into her room and watches her while she sleeps. While. She. Sleeps.

If that isn't a creeper I just dont know what is.

Please don't get me started on the rest of the series. So predictable. And can someone use a word count on how many times SM uses the word "chagrin"? Someone get that bitch a thesaurus. The series wraps so well that how would any dedicated fan girl not cum all over the books after shes done reading? SM gives the reader everything they want with a little bow on top. Its disappointing.

Lets compare this to Harry Potter - JKR does package up the last book with a nice cater-to-the-fans epilogue. But, if you talk to any - ANY hardcore fan, they usually leave that last chapter out. Even though its essentially a happy ending - so many people die and are taken away, there is real loss and pain there (as real as it can be anyway). For those fans who have lost their favorites its a big deal - not so in the Twilight series. Look at that little boy cry. Those are REAL fan tears people!

2) Yes, I have read Midnight Sun...was it less excruciating? No. Oh. My. Fucking. God. I've never heard someone whine that much. And if they are that way, the LAST place I want to be is in their head. God, Edward is such a bitch! Where is the brooding mystery? I'm so happy that this follow up to Twilight from Edwards perspective was leaked on the net, because SM making any money from this publication would have been ludicrous. You know what's NOT a vampire trait - laying your heart on the ground and then crying about it after the fact. You know what IS a vampire trait? Mystery! Look up any clip with Angel from Buffy, or even Bill from True Blood. The mystery equals the danger, and that's what a vampire IS - sexy danger. Edward and his "control" make me sick. I never actually feel threatened when hes like "I could kill should stay away from me." Yes, because your puppy dog eyes are so threatening. You know whats going to kill me? My perpetual vomit.

3) Yes, I have seen the movie. (I'm sorry eyes). Seriously I wish I just read the books and kept it at that. Because now whenever I see Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson I want to die. The one good thing about that movie - Taylor Lautner. Why he's so young just isn't fair in this world. WHY are you 17!? Dammit!

4) Yes I love me some vampires. Welcome back to 1997 - when I sat down to watch the very first episode of Buffy the Vampire slayer and was immediately hooked. Thats what you need - a strong heroine, a equally strong, mysterious, and dangerous vampire lead - and all the sexual tension you can muster. I was even a vampire fan back when Interview With the Vampire was cool and who even remembers when that was? Since my pre-teen years I've devoured as much vampire lore as I could get a hold of, and as far as Twilight in the vampire lore goes it is definately on the tame end. Its like vampires for dummies. Vamp-lite. These bitches want to KILL YOU - not make sure they're married to you before they bed you!

I think what upsets me the most is that there is actually a following large and dedicated enough to coin the term "Twihards" instead of just fans. These people set themselves apart as if the Twilight Series is a bible of sorts, like how some *cough* mega nerds *cough* have latched on to the Jedi knight faith.

Despite my general distaste for Twilight - I have to admit that I know why it's appealing. Its a pure happy ending love story. I think it would have the same effect if they put Zombies in the roles, or Carebears...only maybe Carebears would be more frightening. Honestly its just a chronicle of idealized love. Love, that if it does exist probably has a restraining order against it.


Flores Hayes said...

ooo...I love pandas.
Here I bought a cuddly panda bag (L) that I can hardly put it down!
I believe it is a GREAT find for every panda fanatic!
Flor (

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