Friday, February 12, 2010

Valentine's Day Review

So Jenn and I haven't hung out in a bit and I was all like - lets go see Wolfman, and she was all like - pass...I really want to see Valentines Day.

Well that pretty much made me throw up in my mouth a little bit. The thought of chick flicks make me nauseaus. The thought of seeing chick flicks in the theater on or around Valentines Day makes makes me think that I'd rather contract herpes. That being said I WILL go see SATC2. I'm a complete hypocrite.

This whole review will spoil the movie cause that's how I roll. Avert your eyes now if you plan on seeing this at all cause I'm about to rip the shit out of it LOL.

So Valentines Day - if you didnt see the random star studded posters on the subway you probably didn't even know this movie existed. But oh yes it does. It reminds me very much of that other "way too many movie stars in it" movie - He's Just Not That Into You.  Here is most of the cast:

Jessica Alba - Please stop being a blonde. It doesnt work sweetie. Who is your stylist? Cause they hate you.
Jessica Biel - When the hell did she lose 90lbs? Give this girl a sandwich!
Bradley Cooper - Jenn thinks hes hot. What the hell else was he in?
Eric Dane - I dont know who this person even is. I think Jenn said: He was in Open Water 2. Like I watched that.
Patric Dempsey - Wasn't this guy on ER? I did like him in Enchanted.
Jamie Foxx - OH GOD I hate this guy...He just rubs me the wrong way.
Jennifer Gardner - They're rebooting Electra. How do you feel about that? Fail.
Topher Grace - I miss That 70s Show
Anne Hathaway - Girl has one big mouth. I wonder if her and Julia Roberts got together to compete to see who could stuff more in their trap.
Ashton Kutcher - Someone remind me why this guy is married to a grandma again?
Queen Latifa - She's so awesome.
Julia Roberts - see Anne Hathaway comment.
Taylor Lautner - GO BACK TO TWILIGHT
Taylor Swift - zomg. This girl I'll discuss later. She gets her own discussion point.
Emma Roberts - Me: Oh, that girl was Emma Roberts. Jenn: I didn't even recognize her. The last time I saw her was in Dog Hotel. Me: Yea I know I couldn't tell it was her eithe...wait..did you just say you watched DOG HOTEL!?

Okay so I have 3 discussion points: 1) the Good 2) the Bad 3) the motherfucking Ugly

1) The Good
As much as I would LOVE to say otherwise, there were some good points to this movie. #1 being Queen Latifa, #2 being Anne Hathaway and #3 being Ashton Kutcher.

Queen Latifa wasn't in it for very long - then again when 20 Hollywood actors are vying for screen time what do you expect. But she managed to have the hands down best line of the movie. It was so good that I cant remember it and its not available in IMDB memorable quotes but it was funny. Trust me. I got nothin.

Anne Hathaway plays this girl 2 weeks into a relationship with Topher Grace. I used to know a kid named Topher in grade school. He used to come to class wearing a full out Star Trek uniform. It had a badge beam up thingy and everything. Nerd. But I digress. I'm totally not a fan of Hathaway's "acting" but she was actually pretty decent in this movie. She did a lot of different accents playing her part as a phone sex operator, and it was actually really well done. Maybe she did some method acting for this role to really get into it.

Ashton, Ashton, Ashton. Why are you so pretty? There is just something about you...and its not your acting, no no. Perhaps its your smile. Perhaps I was waiting for you at any point in the movie to stare directly at me, break the 4th wall and say: "Niki, You Got PUNKED!!".

Alas that didn't happen. But at least in this movie he was something to ogle at. I'm not even sure why I don't lean towards any of the other guys in this "everyone is hot except for George Lopez" flick...I've even confessed that I'd make out with Lauter if you gave me the chance, but there was just something about Ashton in this movie that was just hands down yummy.

2) The Bad 
Someone tell Jessica Alba to go back to being a brunette please. Someone? Help me out here.

This movie was LONG. At 125 minutes it was about 125 minutes too long. Seriously it felt like I was sitting in the theater FOREVER. Even Jenn was like: is this movie THAT long? Yes Jenn...yes it is. It was one of those movies that just dragged on forever and I was like: I get sucks, no one is happy - LET'S MOVE ON!

There were so many fails in this movie - everything from glaringly obvious continuity errors to just bad dialogue and story line.

There is one point in the movie where Jennifer Gardner's character leaves to San Francisco to surprise her boyfriend Patrick Dempsey who is supposed to be there doing heart surgery when actually he's still in LA with his wife and kid. So Jennifer gets on the plane...then we see her in the hospital Patrick is supposed to be at but he's not there. The nurse then tells her that he has an early dinner with his wife at a particular restaurant. THEN Jennifer confronts him in an extremely passive aggressive scene that could have been executed much better. What ever happened to throwing wine in a man's face? Instead she tells his wife at the table that the chef's special  is chopped testicles shoved back into the pig's anus. Whatever. My point is - SHE GOT ON A PLANE TO SAN FRANSCISCO! There is no scene where she gets off the plane, no scene that describes shes staying in LA. It takes like 6 hours to travel to San Fran! That's what like 19 hours after you go through US security? How the hell did she get back fast enough to disrupt his early dinner? BAH!

And there were some incredibly weak story lines. The worst was the one with Eric Dane who plays an over the hill NFL Quaterback who comes out of the closet. I get it. The entire movie he's like: I want a football isn't for me. Then in a press conference hes like: I'd like to announce...I'm gay. (oooooh!) Jaime Foxx: So, does that mean you're retiring from football? Eric: No. I'm Gay and I'll play.

There's that bad dialogue. And this is ALL set up just so they can get the money shot - who is Eric Dane gay for? Thats right: Bradley Cooper. There I ruined it for you.

Seriously everyone in the audience of the theater was like: SQUEEEEE!! HE'S GAY!?  I was like: AHA! HE'S GAY!!!

So...this pretty much had nothing to do with the rest of the movie. The whole story line was just so the writers could be like: you know what'll make the girls in the audience scream? Make the two hottest guys GAY! And it worked. You win this time Hollywood. This time.

3) the motherfucking Ugly
 All that needs to be said is Taylor Swift.

That's it. She was SO FUCKING BAD. Please God, please hear me when I say never let Taylor Swift act again. Ever. I think its best. How about instead of letting her act again you just give her like 5 more Grammy's and she'll realize that that is where her talents lie. Her lines consisted of: to Lautner "That's OK baby, you're still hot." and to Gardner "So I was like, talking to my boyfriend this morning and the doorbell rang and I like totally thought it was my boyfriend but then I like opened the door and there was like *snort* this totally huge bear, yea! Like a huge bear and he wasn't there *snort*."

Everything about her in this movie was just ridiculously awful. Please...don't be like Madonna, Beyonce and Mariah Carey. Cut your losses now while no one cares and before you make a complete fool of yourself.

Overall this movie was sadly watchable, mostly because a lot of the really bad scenes were inter-cut with the amusing scenes. But FML if Jenn puts me through another movie like this again.

True friendship everyone is when you go to see a movie like Valentines Day with your friend...when you'd much rather be gouging your eyes out with a lead pencil.


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